


THE CEREAL KILLER FILES

by ShadowcrestNightingale, Xrross



Category: Id:Invaded (Anime)
Genre: AU, Animal Abuse, Asphyxiation, Brand Mascots, Cannibalism, Decapitation, Detectives, Drowning, Drug Use, Dueling, Force-Feeding, Gambling, Gen, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Milk, Multiple Contributors, Mutilation, One Shot Collection, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parody, Serial Killers, Sugary madness, Vomiting, assault and battery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:42:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 17,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26448739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowcrestNightingale/pseuds/ShadowcrestNightingale, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xrross/pseuds/Xrross
Summary: A “just because we couldn't resist” series of one-shot AU parodies not meant to be taken seriously collaborated between ShadowcrestNightingale and XrrossWhat if John Walker's influence touched other brand mascots turning them into … Cereal Killers! These are their one-shot well dives getting to the bottom of the bowl. We are probably about to ruin your childhood. Expect an overload of bad puns. We do not apologize.Tags will be updated as necessary, but this should remain relatively tame compared to our serious writing.
Comments: 152
Kudos: 26





	1. FILE: 01 Charmed

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 01 CHARMED** _

_By ShadowcrestNightingale_

Sakaido stared down at Kaeru's body laying stretched out in the clover field. Awakened to his purpose he knelt down, examining her wide bloodshot eyes. A trickle of blood seeped down from her nose, foamy bubbles of saliva clung to her mouth. There were no signs of abrasions or bruises on her. But she clutched a spoon in her hand.

Something sparkly beneath the clover cover caught his attention. Parting the plants, he stared at the tiny shapes scattered around. Hearts, stars, rainbows, diamonds, clovers, moons, and unicorns? They were tiny marshmallows circling her body like a sugary chalk outline.

Taking a step back he gazed at the landscape. This place looked like he'd stepped into some strange ass fairy tale. Everything in colors too bright and cheery, a juxtaposition to the corpse in the proverbial room. A vast rainbow stretched across the cotton candy sky. Aside from the clover, everything in the landscape looked edible from the cinnamon bark trees to the cocoa powered path. Damn this was some psychedelic shit! Unicorns frolicked in the wooded glen prancing through the falls that looked oddly reminiscent of … milk?

“Great, all we need is honey.” Sakaido remarked to no one in particular. Or perhaps the fairy floating by and waving at him with very glassy eyes. “Oooookkkaaay? That was random. This place doesn't make sense. I don't remember walking out here? It's awfully remote. Why was Kaeru holding a spoon in the middle of a field?”

His foot hit something.

Bending down, he parted the clover to find a broken bowl, a bit of milk still pooled in the bottom. “Strange place to eat. But I suppose when you get the munchies anywhere will do.”

In the distance he heard a strange sort of chanting. “Hehe, oh how they come in search of me. But fast as they are, none shall ever find me lucky charms!”

Sakaido crept low through the field, using the thick clover as cover. At the base of the woods he spied a little man in a top hat with a clover, dressed all in green. He crouched over a golden cauldron packed to overflowing with the sparkling colorful marshmallows as he cackled. “Come on kiddies, whose your sugar daddy!”

_**~ID~** _

Wakashika stood before his screen drooling like a dog with a snausage held before its nose. Fingers with minds of their own were snapping screen captures. “I've never wanted to dive into a well so bad. Oh come on, Sakaido! At least eat something in this place, how can you not sample the goods?”

Habutae folded his arms. “Maybe because it looks like Kearu died of toxicity or a drug overdose?”

“But … marsh mallow flowers!”

Staring at the id well, Momoki snapped, “Focus guys. We know this deviant has been responsible for several deaths. We're talking children. This is a serious matter.”

Habutae blinked as Sakaido crept up on the figure. “What the fuck is a leprechaun doing in there? Erf, well, sorry, make that a terrible stereotype of one. Bet he has a … ” he facepalmed, “pot of gold.”

Shiratake cocked his head. “Why is the pot made out of gold?”

“Bling!” chimed in Wakahika, “He just said he was a sugar daddy!”

Togo glanced up at the three of them. “Can this get any more bizarre?”

Little did she know she spoke too soon.

_**~ID~** _

“Who the fuck are you, laddie?” the leprechaun spun so fast his hat fell off, revealing a gold shimmering bandanna tangled in his shocks of bright red hair.

“Could ask the same or you.”

“Heh,” he tugged the top hat back on roughly, “be off with ya. You're no kid.”

Sakaido cracked a grin. “Not the last time I checked, no. What do you got there, gremlin?”

“Gremlin!” He fisted both hands and started an angry jig. “Oh be saying that again and I'll send you to the dark side of me rainbow, you asshole. I be not a gremlin. Get your eyes checked!”

“They work just fine.” Sakaido folded his arms, watching and waiting for the little man to try and kneecap him. If he did, it was his ass that would get punted to the end of the rainbow.

“I'm a leprechaun you trollish giant of a man! An' the names Lucky! Bloody damn Lucky!”

Holding up his hands, Sakaido tried not to laugh as he stooped over to get closer to him. “Alright, Lucky, just wanted to know if you knew anything about the girl.”

“The girl? What girl?”

“The one in the middle of the field foaming at the mouth. You know, the dead one?”

He averted his chin. “Ooohooo, **that** girl.” Backing up, he picked up the handle of his cauldron. “I wouldn't be a-knowin'.”

“Really? She was surrounded by the same marshmallows that are in there.”

“These? Ohh no, can't be these. Must be mistaken. You see,” he flashed gold platted teeth, “no kids **ever** get my lucky charms.”

Suddenly, Lucky's eyes welled with panic. “Not you!” He turned on his heels and ran as fast as he could, clutching the cauldron to his chest.

_**~ID~** _

Togo pointed into the well projection. “John Walker! Look, he's perched on that crescent moon-mallow!”

Wakashika drooled anew. “That's one big wad of sugar!”

Leaning back Shiratake shook his head. “Why is there a moon in the middle of the day? Whoever this is is really screwed up about how celestial bodies work.”

“How many wells are in time lock?” Momoki glanced back.

“Ok, point. But this is a blue marshmallow moon. Blue moons are supposed to be rare.”

Wakashika grinned and paused for a moment, letting the dread form on his colleague's faces before he spouted out, “Always a blue moon in this world!”

“Guys!” Togo shouted. “John Walker? Let's stick to the program and figure out what he's doing in this person's psyche!”

“This is one spun-sugar tale.”

Momoki groaned, “Oh my God, Wakashika, lay off the Redbulls for all our sake!”

_**~ID~** _

Mounted on a pastel pink unicorn, whose coat actually came close to his hair color, Sakaido raced after Lucky. He'd plucked a rainbow marshmallow from his cauldron and was riding on it, laughing like a maniac. “You'll never catch me!”

Reaching forward, Sakaido grabbed the base of the unicorn horn and fired off a warning shot. The beam of powered sugar exploded when it hit Lucky's rainbow, blasting it into even more miniscule marshmallow bits. The Leprechaun tumbled ass over tea kettle, landing trapped against a tree.

The unicorn trotted up and looped the horn through the handle, lifting the cauldron up. A few of the marshmallow's remained inside. Sakaido eyed them, sniffing. “That's not just sugar.”

“Course not.” Rubbing his head, Lucky pouted. “They're magically delicious.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “Magic meaning?”

“Awww shit, man, you know. I got a special ingredient from the snow queen.”

“Wait … are you telling me that you put … ” his eyes widened … “ in children's cereal?”

He folded his short arms. “I want me lawyer!”

_**~ID~** _

Togo recovered first. “Sir, we have a confession.”

Momoki blinked. “Ok … issue a warrant for one Lucky Leprechaun.”

Scratching his head, Shiratake remarked, “Can we even do that? Is he even … ohhh … I just got his address. Wow.”

Matsuoka squawked over the link, _“What the hell is this? You want me to arrest a leprechaun for second-degree man-slaughter and drug possession?”_

“About sums it up.” Momoki replied.

“ _Well Hondomachi, this'll be a first. A perp shorter than you!”_

“ _Hey, watch it!”_

“ _OOW! That was my kneecap!”_

Momoki waved a hand to Togo to extract Sakaido. “Good work everyone. That solves the Smiling Kid murders.”

Wakashika shrugged. “They weren't all kids. There were a couple of adults with some side habits.”

“Imagine that, drug smuggling in marshmallows. That's one twisted little man.”

“Who just had a run in with some very bad luck. The only end of the rainbow he'll be seeing will be behind bars.”

A voice from the cockpit chamber muttered, _“Why the hell am I so starving?”_


	2. FILE: 02 Frosted

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 02 FROSTED** _

_By Xrross_

_This... is Kaeru, and I am Anaido. I don't know my full name, but I am the brilliant detective._

Anaido of course knew all this, wincing as the redundant information echoed in his mind like a sonar. "Uuuuuuuuhhhhhh... why am I even here?" he grumbled, falling into a squat and face-palming. "Can't they at least give me someone to play off of?" Letting his hand fall of his face, he glanced over at Kaeru with a bored, droopy expression. "Don't tell me that Narihisago is in... huh." He trailed off as he, for the first time, actually _looked_ at Kaeru.

The girl was lying face up, a pile of cereal flakes spilling out of her mouth, which was stretched to the point that it was honestly shocking her jaw hadn't popped off yet. Also dribbling out of it was an odd, pink liquid. Her eyes were wide and bloodshot, the same strange liquid running out of them as well, pooling around her head. Anaido looked further down her body, and physically recoiled away with a shudder when he saw her horrifyingly bloated stomach, morbidly resembling a pregnant woman. Again, the same pink liquid was congealing around her hips, and Anaido didn't have to be a brilliant detective to realise that it was coming out of her... orifices.

"This is in poor taste..." he said, scratching his face before realising what he said. Laughing at his poor joke, Anaido got to his feet and surveyed the environment for the first time. Both expectedly and unexpectedly, he was in a suburban house; a kitchen to be more specific, of western design it seemed. A small wooden table and chairs, sinks, a dishwasher, and a bloated, potentially sodomised corpse. 

"Well, that bodes well for me, doesn't it?" Anaido dryly muttered before slapping himself in the face, both to stop himself counting all the knobs on the cupboard doors and to get himself to focus on Kaeru, since whatever destroyed her clearly wasn't here to mercifully kill him. 

_What the actual hell am I looking? Was she force-fed cereal until she died? Even by my standards, that's a weird MO. Talk about suburban horror... It looks bright as all hell outside, and I can see the sun out of the window. Is it morning? Was she having breakfast? What time is it? I always had breakfast at six. Six is a good number to eat. Wait what?_

"What's this? Getting ready to go out, are we?"

Anaido nearly leapt out of his skin as whatever owned that deep, joyful voice made itself known. Spinning around, ready to either start questioning or throw himself forward begging for death, Anaido instead burst out into a high-pitched, shrieky fit of laughter as a seven-foot-tall man in a giant fursuit stood there waving at him. 

"HAAAA.....! HAAAA.....! HAAAAAAAAA....!!!!!" Weezing, Anaido stumbled backwards, tripping over Kaeru's corpse and instinctively crawling away.

"Looks like you're dressed for a **FUN** day out!" the giant tiger said, stepping over Kaeru's corpse and pulling out a fire hose from out of nowhere, turning to the side slightly and revealing a massive tank on its (his?) back. "But if you wanna have the energy for a big day **fuuulll** of adventure, then you're gonna need a taste of Tony's Frosted Flakes!"

"Wha... WHAT!? Is that meant to be a euph-?!" was as far as Anaido got before Tony lunged forward, bent over on one knee and moved the tip of the hose into Anaido's open mouth, flicking a switch as he did so. A moment later, gallons upon gallons of milk, mixed with copious amounts of Frosties, poured into his mouth and down his throat. Unsuccessfully trying to scream, Anaido slapped the hose, but that only made Tony shove it in further, his eyes narrowing with a sadistic glee, despite belonging to a fursuit with a supposedly fixed expression. As Anaido's eyes rolled into the back of his head, he suddenly caught sight of someone else standing in the open door frame behind him; a man with a top hat, cane and deep crimson eyes peering through a cloud of pixels.

"MmmmmmmmmfffAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" Yanking his head backwards, Anaido managed to dislodge the hose from his mouth, not noticing the several teeth it took with it. Without skipping a beat, he proceeded to projectile vomit at the tiger, who dropped the hose to cover his face in surprise. Milk running out of his nostrils, Anaido scrambled to his feet, decked John Walker in the face and, after stomping on his windpipe for good measure, dashed down the hallway towards what he assumed was the front door.

"AHHHHHHH GAAAAALLLLLLGGGGGGGGRRRRRR.....!"

"Come back! You need to start the day with a nice bowl of Frosities! **They’re gr-r-reat!** "

* * *

"Inspector, should I call the clean-up crew in again?"

"No... they'll have to clean it back up in five minutes, just tell them to wait until we're done, okay Togo...?" Momoki sighed, rubbing his eyes as the last of Habutae's breakfast hit the floor. "Habutae, do you need to sit this one out?" he asked, glancing over his shoulder at the man in question, who was leaning over the railing of the upper ring, his entire body quivering.

"I... no... I'm... give me a minute..."

"Not to... make light of your suffering, but we've seen things on this level before, maybe even worse," Shiratake said, hypocritically looking a little green in the face himself.

"Yeah... we have... and you know... I might be able to deal with this one if SOMEBODY WOULD STOP EATING FROSTIES RIGHT FRONT OF ME!!!" Habutae suddenly screamed, throwing his limp neck to glare at Wakashiki, who was innocently munching on a bowl of Frosties as he turned toward Habutae with a hurt look.

"MMmm! Mmm mm mmm mmmm," he started, before swallowing what he had in his mouth and continued. "But I haven't had breakfast yet! This was a sudden call!"

"DID YOU NOT SEE KAERU?!?!?!?"

"Get off my back, man! You had the same thing for breakfast!"

"NOT WHILE WATCHING A MAN CHOKE TO DEATH ON THE SAME THING!!!!!" Habutae shrieked, pointing wildly at his display, which featured Anaido running away with tears in his eyes as waves of Tony's milk lapped at his heels. 

_"He's right, this is inhumane!"_ Hondomachi shouted from over the comm. _"You should have sent someone in there to support him! Just take him out now, I'll be over in a second!"_

 _"What?! No, Hondomachi! Let go of the wheel!!"_ Matsuoka yelled, accompanied by the brief sound of stretching tires.

"No, we can't get him out now!" Shiratake said, his fingers flying across his keyboard as various images flashed before his eyes. "Now that he's outside, it'll be easier to place the address!"

"FOR GOD'S SAKE HURRY...! hurry..." Habutae's words were replaced by the sounds of his stomach contents slapping against the floor.

"I need a fucking coffee..." Momoki grumbled, raising an eyebrow as Togo silently slid an image his way. "Oh look. John Walker's there too... God, I would go for some John Walker right now..." 

"You mean Johnnie Walker, Sir?"

"Just fucking give it to me..."

* * *

" **WHOA** there buddy! You sure had a **tuff** day, why not refuel with some of my **Frosted Flakes**! Made with **essential fibres** to develop a growing body!" Tony said, looming menacingly over Anaido, who kneeled before Tony, his arms spread-eagle, as if worshipping some devilish, corrupted messiah.

_Why am I even running...? I should just die and get it over with...? Fuck... sorry Kaeru, looks like I wasn't much of a brilliant detective after all..._

With a tearful smile, Anaido obediently opened his mouth, closing his eyes so he wouldn't have to watch the barbarous joy in Tony's eyes as he flicked the switch, forcing his-

_"Extract him! God just... get him out of there!"_

* * *

"Sending the address over, Matsuoka!" Shiratake said, swiping across his display.

_"Got it. Sending out an arrest warrant for... er, Tony the Tiger. Let's go Hondomachi!"_

_"Wait, are we arresting the guy in the suit or an actual tiger?"_

_"Just drive!"_

"Fukuda is up, Sir," Togo reported, watching with a stoic gaze as Fukuda rolled out of his cockpit and began throwing up, the sounds of it echoing throughout the Wellside.

"Oh no..." With a strangled sob, Habutae flung himself over the railing once more, heaving as more and more half-digested food covered the floor. 

"How much did you eat...?" Shiratake asked in a disgusted manner.

"Yeah, such a waste," Wakashika agreed, shovelling another spoonful of frosting into his maw. Closing his eyes, Momoki went limp, leaning over and falling onto Togo's shoulder, much to her surprise.

"S-Sir! Not right-!"

"Please... please just hold me..." he whispered, his tone dry and weary. Her cheeks a tone rivalling that of her hair, Togo awkwardly rubbed Momoki's head to the sound everything Habutae ever ate leaving his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate how this is, on a technical level, probably one of the best pieces of fiction I've ever made.


	3. FILE: 03 Looped

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 03 LOOPED** _

_By ShadowcrestNightingale_

She opened her eyes, staring up into a leafy canopy. It was warm, humid even. The word came to her: Tropical.

_Wait, how do I know that? Who the heck am I?_

Sitting up, she glanced to the side and spied a hand sticking out from beneath the undergrowth.

“Hello? Hey, do you know where we are?” She crawled over, parting the leaves revealing a black-haired girl with the greenest eyes imaginable. The moment she locked eyes it struck her. “Kaeru! I know here name, and by knowing that I remember who I am! My name is Miyo Hijiriido. I am a brilliant detective. My job is to solve Kaeru's murder.” Hijiriido glared around the place, “Where the fuck am I?”

Exotic bird calls echoed through the trees. Tropical fruit grew on palm trees, even though that didn't make any sense. Those should have just been coconuts, right? Things were clearly out of place. Turning in a circle she spotted water on all sides, and on one a large sloping mountainous shape with puffs of smoke rising up. So, volcanic tropical island. Nice.

Snapping her eyes back down the corpse, she knelt down. Kaeru had a grapefruit in her hand with the serrated edged spoon stuck into it. Her cause of death was obvious. She'd been asphyxiated by colorful rings around her neck.

“Strangulation. These are odd, I'd almost say they were like an over-sized children's set of stacking rings, but they're all the same side and that's not plastic.” She bent down and sniffed. “Fruity? What the heck?”

Not only that, a dark blue feather caught her attention. She plucked it from Kaeru's hair just as the sound of flapping caught her attention. She looked up in time to dart out of the way of an over-sized colorful billed bird swooped down, followed by three smaller identical ones.

In a far too proper accent that sounded vaguely British, the big one spouted, “The key to a good day is a balanced breakfast!”

One of the little ones replied, “You tell her, Uncle Sam!”

Hijiriido stared incredulously at the rude aerial train of toucans.

The large one boomed as he swooped through the foliage, the colorful fruity murder rings clutched in his talons. “Come on boys, follow your nose! It always knows!”

“Son of a bitch!”

“Oh my, little girl, that wasn't very wholesome language. We shall have to shut you gob!”

“Little—Girl?” Growling, Hijiriido wrenched the grapefruit spoon from the pulpy fruit. “I'm about to learn your feathery ass a lesson!” Spoon in mouth she power climbed up the trunk of a tree, tracking the swooping family of nosy toucans.

“Uncle Sam, she's no—acccck!” The one nearest her lost the ability to speak thanks to the serrated edge of the grapefruit spoon to the neck.

_**~ID~** _

Shiratake cringed, “Sir … umm, it's hard to concentrate … gah was that his vocal chords? Oh my God!”

Backing up from the screen, Habutae turned sheet white. “I didn't know that it was possible to remove someones heart with a spoon.”

“Guess you just need the right kind.” Shiratake took a few deep breaths. “The island is a real one, part of the Bermuda archipelago. I can get the exact—HOLY SHIT!”

Wakahshika leaned over the screen. “Guess that Toucan Sam turned into a rotten fruit after chasing too many Froot Loops. Hey, look, John Walker! There on the beach. Is that a Pina Colada in his hand?”

Habutae and Shiratake clung to one another. “Director, can we take Hijiriido out of the dive now? That chick just isn't right! To be honest, with her drive to—oh God! … she needs to be locked up down there more than the guys!”

By the projector Togo and Momoki stood transfixed by the events on the screen for a full minute before Momoki pushed the file through to Matsuoka, still wide-eyed as hell.

“ _What the … ?”_ Matsuoka's voice came over the com. _“A friggin' toucan in Bermuda? Isn't this just a bit out of our jurisdiction? This bird sure found a loophole. I can't do anything with this warrant without extradition papers … hey, Momoki? You still there? … Hello? … Anyone?”_

No one was capable of answering. They were all staring at Hijiriido in the id well.

**~ID~**

Perched on the rocks by the volcano, Hijiriido crouched with all four of the toucan corpses neatly skewered on John Walker's cane. His pixelated head mounted totem style on a rock. Over the rising heat of the volcano, with their colorful feathers all singed off, the bird carcasses were roasting to a nice golden brown as she turned it like a spit. She hummed a little song, smiling sweetly.

“I'm not much of a breakfast girl, but I do love me some coconut and pineapple basted bird! Mmm mmm!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erf, and there goes the "tamer" line ... guess it's time to change the WARNING.


	4. FILE: 04 Corned

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 04 Corned**_

_By Xross_

_"Cock a doodle do!"_

"SHHHIIIIIITTTT!!!" Sakaido screamed, his arms pumping up and down as he sprinted through the endless cornfield, trampling over the waist-high wheat without care. The sun beating down mercilessly, he wiped the sweat from his eyes, the liquid burning them as he looked back as his pursuer. As expected, the three-meter, bright green rooster was still doggedly running after him, its blindingly yellow beak snapping open and shut as it crowed, blood and viscera dripping from it. Atop its head, almost hidden by its red comb, sat a man in a red suit and a brown top hat. His face covered in a swarm of pixels, he held his cane out, as if leading a cavalry charge. "Well, this explains how Kaeru was killed! But why did the rooster only... only eat her bottom half, then come back later for... the rest?!" 

"Beats... me!" Anaido gasped, an adrenaline-fueled grin plastered on his face he ran alongside Sakaido. "Maybe he just wanted a... mid-day snack! You know... like how some people are always eating cereal between meals... and late at night!"

"Haaa...! Haaa...! Not the... healthiest habit... huh?!"

"Hundred... hundred and... four... hundred... hundred and five... hundred and... and... six...!"

"What...?" Sakaido glanced over at Anaido, whose eyes were darting from side to side, from wheat to wheat. "Are you... counting them...?"

"Huuuu.....! Hundred and eleven... hundred and twelve... hundred and... and... THIRTEEN!" Anaido suddenly shrieked, holding up his arms and falling flat on his face.

"ANAIDO, NO!" Sakaido held out his hand, but it was too late. Without skipping a beat, the rooster stabbed its head towards the ground, lifting it not even a moment later with its face even more bloody than before. Sakaido spied Anaido's black trousers and bright red boots inside the beak, just before the rooster swallowed and Anaido's lower half vanished from view. Letting out a mighty crow, the rooster bobbed its head as it returned its focus to Sakaido, leaving the rest of Anaido behind, presumably to pick at later.

"Dammit!" Grinding his teeth, Sakaido forced himself to sprint faster.

* * *

"Anaido has died!"

"Extract him!"

"This area's too nondescript, I can't pin down a specific location," Shiratake muttered, rubbing his chin with his thumb as he looked between multiple images of farms and fields around the nation.

"Hey, Fukuda, you didn't have to call me out like that!" Wakashikia said, looking over at the cockpit cam as Fukuda sat up, rubbing his knees. "I'll have you know that cereal makes an excellent midnight snack!"

_"Aha... why am I not surprised you of all people would say that?"_

"H-Hey! What does that mean? You don't even know me!"

_"Waka Waka Waka... pipe down, Pac-Man, my head hurts."_

"I thought I'd finally escaped that nickname...!" Wakashikia despaired, falling to his knees, holding in his sobs as he wiped his tears.

"Wakashikia, please!" Togo reprimanded. "This isn't the time for childhood trauma."

"She's right," Momoki agreed. "Get back to work. Remember, thirteen children have been killed thus far, not to mention countless chickens. We need to bust this child/cockfighting ring ASAP."

"Oh, so their childhood trauma matters but not mine?! Everyone would force-feed me fruit in high school!"

"Save it for your therapist, man..." Habutae said with a sigh. "Shiratake, have you seen this? In Cornelius' eyes?" he asked, passing an image along. Zooming into the rooster's eyes, Shiratake let out a gasp.

"Good catch, can't believe I missed this! There's an entirely different area reflected in the eyes! Running analysis now!"

"They'd also run away from me, saying that they were ghosts and that I would eat them..."

**_"Shut it, Wakashikia!"_ **

* * *

"Ahhh... shit... no...." Sakaido wheezed. He might have no memories, but one thing that was becoming abundantly clear was that he didn't do enough exercise. He could tell by the sounds of the rooster's footsteps that it was right on his heels. Barely seeing anything through the layer of sweat seeping into his eyes, Sakaido suddenly spied a flash of blue. Somehow, he had run in a giant circle all the way back to where Anaido had died. On pure instinct, Sakaido ran towards him, tripping over an exposed tangle of roots and landing on the corpse's chest.

"Don't worry, pal... I'm here..." he said, wearily clapping Anaido's cold shoulder as a massive shadow appeared over the two. Looking up, Sakaido watched as the rooster reared its hard, letting out an almight cry, the man in the top had twerling his cane in an almost joyfully manner. With nothing else to do, Sakaido closed his eyes, and took his final bre-

_"Extract him!"_

* * *

"Narihisago... I'm touched... metaphorically and literally."

"Shut it," Narihisago grumbled, rolling his head away as he caught his breath so he wouldn't have to look at Fukuda's smug face.

"I always knew you felt the same way about me... big bro."

"Oh my god, don't say it like that!" Narihisagio hissed, covering his ears to try and block out Fukuda's obnoxious laughter.

 _"Good work guys, I think we've cracked this one,"_ came Momoki's voice over the comm.

"Are you sure? It didn't feel like we did anything," Narihisago admitted.

_"Just the brilliant detectives existing in that world gives us valuable data. You did your job."_

"Hmph, if you say so..."

"Question," Fukuda said, resing his hand like a schoolchild. "Maybe it's just me, but are we seeing a rise in 'cereal-based id wells'? What's up with that?"

 _"That's... uh... the investigation is ongoing. You'll be told what you need to know,"_ was all he got as an answer before the line suddenly cut off.

"Ah well," Fukuda said, shrugging his shoulders and winking at Narihisago. "At least we're all having fun right, brother?"

"Mugh..."

* * *

"And with that, the case of Cornelius Rooster comes to a close..." Habutae said, stretching his arms. 

"Matsuoka still needs to make the arrest. Don't be so quick to dismiss things," Togo replied, even as she deactivated the setup.

"Fukuda does make a good point though," Shiratake said, cleaning his glasses. "Why is John Walker showing up in the id wells of cereal mascots? Is there even a reason behind it at all? I mean, just think about how ridiculous this all is."

"Of course there is, it just hasn't been found yet," Momoki said, crossing his arms. "Though I will admit, all of this is very strange. It's like something out of a subversive children's film."

"I just hope we don't get video games involved. Could you imagine a Pac-Man id well?!" Wakahikia wept, having tucked himself into a ball and begun rocking back and forth, promoting a groan from Momoki. 

"Alright team, go take a break, then meet up in the office for debriefing. Expect for you, Habutae. Go take Wakashikia for a drink or something."

"Yes, Inspector..."


	5. FILE: 05 Battered

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 05 BATTERED** _

_By ShadowcrestNightingale_

The room was in shadows. Odd for breakfast being laid out on the table, Anaido thought to himself. Wow it was convenient not having to wait for Kaeru to know what the heck was going on. Still, he scratched his head trying not to count the checkered squares on the gingham table cloth.

A bowl, with a spoon and a glass of orange juice lay prepared at the kitchen table. The chair pulled back, waiting. Everything looked normal.

Except it was like the middle of the night and the cupboard was ajar. Wandering over he peered inside to find the cereal boxes. “Hrm.” They were a mess, hardly in any order. Pulling them out onto the counter he began to sort them by descending height. “Somebody sure likes cereal. One, two, three, four, five, six … ” he kept going, humming idly to himself wondering if he should turn the lights on when a flash light swept through the kitchen.

He froze and turned around. The side door now ajar, he watched as a shadowy figure tip-toed into the kitchen, the bright light made it hard to see much of anything.

 _What if the intruder is armed? Wait. Screw this._ _Who cares? I'll just wake up in the cockpit room!_

He reached over and flicked on the overhead light bathing the peasoup green kitchen. “Yo.” He waved at the stunned intruder … and became stunned himself. “Ooookkkaaay?”

Halfway across the floor, a bipedal wolf with shifty eyes dressed in a black mock-turtleneck sweater froze. Slowly, he snicked off the flashlight. “Uhhhh, what are you doing up?”

“Oh cool! You can talk! How are you doing that, by the way?”

The wolf scratched the fluffy forelock. “Well, I just … can?”

Anaido grinned and introduced himself, leaving off the brilliant detective stuff. He wanted to chat with someone for a while, after all Narihisago was equivalent to a brick wall.

“Name's Chip the Wolf.” He held out a paw. The moment his eyes saw the cereal boxes, drool started to drip down his fangs.

Only now that the lights were on did Anaido spot the trail of blood going out the side door, presumably from Kaeru being dragged. A quick glance out the window answered what happened. Her bloody feet stuck out of the trash bin lid. On top of the lid a man in a top hat holding a cane reclined and waved at Anaido. He knew him as this John Walker nut that everyone was after. But he was just sitting there. The wolf was more … weird.

_Wow, this guy is terrible at his job! So, she must have been after a midnight snack when he picked the lock. Explains his broken claw._

Chip stalked forward, his wide eyes traveling over the boxes. They fell on one. Suddenly his head fell back, ears laid on his neck and he howled, “Coooooooookkkkkiiiiiieeee Crisp!”

Anaido was laughing, pulling the box back out when the wolf launched himself at him, wielding the metal flashlight like a club upside the head. He saw stars and the room began to spin.

“Mine!” Chip growled, saliva dripped onto Anaido's neck. “Give me the box! Now!”

For some reason his grip wouldn't relax. Maybe it was the savage beating as the wolf alternated strikes with the flashlight and rents from his savage claws. His consciousness just about flagged as he felt the box ripped from his hand. The wolf howled his victory. “Coooooooookkkkkiiiiiieeee Crisp!”

_**~ID~** _

Togo barked, “We have a positive identification. Chip Wolf, looks like he was on parole for prior B&E charges.”

Shiratake tapped his temple. “Think we can now add assault and battery to his looting sprees.”

Wakashika turned and pulled a spoon out of his mouth. “He was really raking in the dough.” The others groaned at the half gallon of ice cream in his hands, chocolate chip cookie dough. “What?”

Shaking his head, Momoki fired off the warrant request. “Nice work everyone, how is Anaido?”

“Oh yeah,” Togo glanced at the well dive screen. “If he's not dead, I bet he wishes he was. Did Chip grab the meat tenderizer while I wasn't watching?”

“Yup. Dang that boy wants his Cookie Crisp!” Wakashika muttered. “Makes me want to run out and grab a box.” There was a glint in his eye. Everyone backed away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a normal childhood, I swear.


	6. FILE: 06 Snapped | Cracked | Popped

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 06 Snapped | Cracked | Popped**_

_By Xross_

"Uuuugggggghhhh... when did we die and go to neo-noir hell?" Anaido asked, holding his hands over his eyes to shield them from the relentless rain as he surveyed the small alleyway he was presently occupying. His gaze sweeping over the tar-black bricks and the neon graffiti, he eventually found himself staring at a nearby dumpster. His boots squelching, he walked over and opened the lid. "Hmph, not much, unless you like cheap Halloween masks," he said, pulling out a mask of some curly-haired man with an obnoxious smile.

"I highly doubt that was used to kill Kaeru," Hijiriido said, trying her best to ignore the rain as she bent over Kaeru's corpse, turning her head from side to side, paying close attention to the blood pouring out of her ears. "Anaido, get over here."

"Ahaha, so needy!" Anaido teased, pointing at her as he nonetheless walked over and joined her side. 

"What are your thoughts?"

"Well, I think it was very dumb of her to wear white in this weather."

"Not that, you pervert, her ears." Rolling her head over to the side with her foot, Hijiriido pointed them out. "It looks like her eardrums are burst. Do you think that's what-UGH! Hey, get off!" she yelled, knocking Anaido's hand off her head as he tried to lean on her, causing him to almost tip over.

"Hey! I was just resting my legs, Sis!"

"... you're so weird," she sighed, shaking her head as she squatted down to get a closer look. "Are you sure you're a brilliant detective?"

"Not a single doubt in my mind, ma'am! Hahaha!" With a toothy grin, Anaido stepped over Kaeru's body and knelt down on the opposite side. "If her busted eardrums are related to her death, then perhaps she heard something so loud that it blew her brains out."

"I sincerely hope you don't mean that literally, but yeah, that's my working theory too," Hijiriido nodded, only to suddenly flinch and shiver when a raindrop slid down her back. "Ugh, that felt awful! How can anyone work in this weather?!"

"You wanna borrow my jacket?" Anaido asked with a raised eyebrow, already fingering one of the buttons.

"No offence, but I don't need your charity," Hijiriido deadpanned, disregarding the uncomfortable feeling and refocusing on Kaeru. "Anyway, what kind of sound do you think could have killed someone?" 

"Beats me," Anaido shrugged. "Oh, also, the rain's turned into milk."

"I swear to god, you're such a-"

"No, I mean it, look." Caught off guard by the serious tone in his voice, Hijiriido looked up, blanching as she realised that he made been telling the truth. In fact, now that she had noticed it, she wondered how she couldn't have noticed herself, if not by seeing it, then by the smell, which was already seeping into their clothes. 

"What the hell?! Why is there milk falling from the sky?"

"Nooooo idea! Think those guys might know?" Anaido asked, pointing behind her. She turned, and through the torrential milk, she spied three, diminutive figures several meters away. It was hard to make out any details, but their heads seem disproportionally large to a horrifying degree, as while as their wild hairstyles that seem to burst from underneath their hats.

"Well, Crackle, Pop, looks like we've got ourselves some new customers," the middle, tallest one cackled, his voice surprisingly adult. "You know what to do!"

"You got it, Snap! AHAHAHAHAHA!!" the other two said, laughing as, from behind their backs, they pulled out large bowls, filled to the brim with... cereal? Hijiriido sighed, taking a step forward.

"Alright, listen guys! We have a job-!"

.  
_**.**_  
_**P̨̛̱̯͎͙̟̍̏̉͑́̽̇̑̚ Ǫ̵̛̣͕̙̲̘̹̜͍͎͗͂̓̐̆͋́ P̶̢̞̪͔͚͚̯͉̼̀̇͌̃̕͟  
.  
.  
Ĉ̼̫͈̗͉͍̻͔̜̒̿̍͒͘͡͠ R̷̛̺̞̪̿̆͛̓̇̕͜͡ͅ A̶̤̩̮̥̳͉̫̒̄͘͠͡ C̵̨̳̪̖̻̟͚̘͊̂̎̈́͐͐͋̇͟͞ K̡͈̱͈̟̇̍̊̅̎͞ L̡̤̬̹̩̙̪̪͐̊̐͗̀́̕͡͝ Ė̸̡̡̟̜͓̼͑̿̑͂͜ͅ  
.  
.**_

Hijiriiod could barely her screams as she stumbled backwards, almost tripping over Kaeru as she covered her ears as tightly as possible. Underneath the high-pitched buzz, she could hear the cereal cracking and popping, each noise like a spike being driven into her head. Tears streaming from her eyes and mixing with the milk dribbling down her face, she looked around for Anaido, eventually finding him bent over a meter or so from Kaeru's feet, vomiting violently. She tried yelling at him to get up, but after realising that even she couldn't understand her own words, she crawled to her feet and stagged over to him. Grabbing him by the scruff of his neck, she dragged him to his feet and further down into the endless labyrinth.

"HAHA! I love it when they run! Come on, lads! Let's make 'em SNAP!" Licking their lips with sadistic glee, the three men gave chase.

* * *

"Inspector Momoki! I've matched the voices and silhouettes!" Habutae announced, passing out copies of three separate mugshots to the rest of the Wellside. "Snap, Crackle and Pop, high-ranking members in the Kellogg's Krew. Currently out on bail for thirteen counts of assault, six counts of sexual assault, one count of torture, three counts of drug possession and twenty counts of drug trafficking."

"Is that between them?" Togo asked.

"No. **Each**."

"Damn, almost makes me feel bad for having their cereal for lunch. Is there nothing I can eat?!" Wakashikia despaired, rubbing his upset stomach. "Ugh, all this stress is making me hungry. I'll have some Rice Krispies when we go on break!"

"Well, that guilt didn't last long," Shiratake muttered under his breath.

"I wouldn't count on having their cereal for much longer," Momoki said. "These guys snap spines, crack craniums and pop pupils. With this, we've got all the evidence we need to lock these guys up for good. Bring them in Matsuoka!"

_"Got it! These sick bastards are gonna gets what's coming to them!"_

Togo looked back down at the display, watching as Hijriido and Anaido stumbled from Snap, Crackle and Pop. "Inspector, should we extract Anaido and Hijiriido?" Momoki nodded.

"Yeah. There's no need for these guys to suffer under those psychopaths any longer."

* * *

"Ha... ha... dammit, Anaido...! Move your legs!" Hijiriido shouted through clenched teeth as she dragged Anaido's almost limp body through the twisting, neverending alleyways. They'd managed to put some distance between the trio, and their hearing had come back partly, but the deafening cracks and pops could still be heard.

"Don't bother... I'm just dead weight... go on... without me..." Anaido whispered, pushing Hijiriido away and letting himself fall into a puddle of milk with all the grace of a ragdoll. Raising himself of the ground slightly, he looked into his reflection and frowned. "Hey... I don't wear a top hat... ehh..." Yawning, he flopped back down.

"Anaido, you idiot! Get up!" Hijiriido ordered, skidding to a stop, sending milk flying everywhere, and turning back, only to see Anaido waving his hand at her.

"No... I'll just slow you down...! Just... remember my tale... Sister..." After giving his final request, Anaido let his hand drop. Clenching her jaw, Hijriido took a step back, then a step forward, unsure of what to do.

"Shit... Shit! Get up, Ana... huh?!" Hijiriido's eyes went wide as she suddenly started floating up, her feet kicking aimlessly as they left the ground. A quick glance up told her that the same was happening to Anaido. The two hovered there for a moment, only to suddenly accelerate towards the murky clouds, Hijiriido letting out a horrified shriek as the two vanished into the sky.

* * *

"Anaido! I mean, Fukuda!" Hondomachi said, sitting up in her cockpit and glaring at the man in question as he stirred in the one next to her. "You know that I don't like it when you try and kill yourself!"

"Aha, hypocritical much?" Fukuda asked, rolling his head over and giving her a wink, grinning at her furiously flushed face.

"That was a totally different situation!" she insisted, crossing her arms and tucking herself up into a little ball, shivering. "Jeez... that milk was so damn cold..."

"Would you take my jacket if I offered it now?"

"You don't even have one. Besides, a water-logged jacket like that would only make me colder."

"Hey, I just thought you'd look cute in it," Fukuda shrugged, crossing his legs.

"Since when do you care about cute things?" Hondomachi asked, fluttering her fingers to try and warm them up.

"I'll have you know I had a very good eye for fashion when I was a free man."

"Something tells me that suspenders and lip piercings aren't in right now."

"Hmph, not my fault everyone else doesn't have good taste."

 _"Good work guys,"_ came Momoki's voice from over the comm. _"Matsuoka and the metro have taken Snap, Crackle and Pop back into custody. Unless they manage to outlive multiple life sentences, they won't be coming out. Ever. We still need to go over a few things, namely, the image of John Walker Anaido saw. Hondomachi, if you don't mind, could you take Fukuda back to his cell?"_

"No problem!" she said, giving a thumbs up to the ceiling before climbing out of the cockpit, shaking her limbs about. "Brrr! Hey, Fukuda? I'm feeling a little bit peckish."

"What a coincidence. Me too."

"Wanna stop off at the cafeteria on the way? If you're with me it should be fine! Do you want anything in particular, or...?" Fukuda rose from his seat, a wry smile on his lips.

"Yeah. I'm feeling Rice Krispies..." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good lord, these tags are getting worse by the chapter.


	7. FILE: 07 Forced

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 07 FORCED** _

_By ShadowcrestNightingale_

He opened his eyes to a commotion. The clatter of wood striking wood. Sitting upright he was instantly aware he wasn't alone. There was a presence right beside him, within arms reach, if he bothered.

But he was too shocked. A girl sat beside him, with vibrant green eyes wide. Her hands folded in her lap gripping the folds of her white dress.

“You're Kaeru … and what the fuck? You're supposed to be dead!”

She blinked her eyes and waved. “Oh, hey Narihisago.”

In a sudden wash of reality he stiffened, feeling a bit like someone had taken him apart, put all the pieces of a Narihisago puzzle into a box, shaken it up, and put him back together again. He held up a finger stumbling over his words. “Kiki Asukai … what's going on? Why am I not Sakaido? I'm dressed like Sakaido. I feel like I'm supposed to be Sakaido in here. This is a well dive … right?”

She patted the grass next to her. “Sure is. But it turns out you don't have a mystery to solve in here.”

Easing down he rubbed his chin. “Ok … so what happened?”

“You see,” her eyes smiled at him, “I was _supposed_ to be killed, about to be actually, when this happened.”

Narihisago followed her gesture. His hands clenched the grass in a surge of adrenaline. “JOHN WALKER!”

She patted his hand. “Easy there, slick. He's kind of occupied at the moment.”

Looking back and forth between the two figures he squinted and rubbed his eyes. “Uh, wait a second … why are there two of them?”

Locked in a bitter duel were two men in suits with tophats wielding canes savagely like swords. Both had white hair drawn back in pony tails and similar mustaches, and white fitted pants. Both had tail coats, the red one he knew, the blue one he didn't. And both had tophats, one in tan with a pale ribbon, the other in white with a dark blue. It was like watching player one and player two fight having chosen the same avatar!

Narihisago's finger hung in midpoint in the air, his jaw open at a loss for words.

But the two opponents were spitting mad, in gentlemanly phrasing.

“How dare you impersonate Sunny Jim, you cad!” The blue-coated man stabbed at John Walker. “Whatever you say, wherever you've been, You can't beat the cereal that raised Sunny Jim! High over the fence leaps Sunny Jim, Force is the food that raises him!”

John Walker laughed and jabbed his cane tip into the vest of his mascot doppelganger. “What a delusional fool you are! Rather like the sound of your name now, don't you!”

“Better to represent breakfast than a future hangover, you home wrecker!”

“Copycat!”

“Scoundrel!”

“Generic wheatie boy!”

“Generic? Why I never … ! You are rotten to the core.”

The two swiped with the metal tips, grazing one another's cheeks and leaving behind a tiny bloody gash.

“Hrm.” Narihisago leaned back on his elbows. “This looks like they might be at it for a while.”

“Sure does.” She reached down between them and a bowl of fresh buttered popcorn appeared. Munching on a handful she watched as the two smartly dressed men prance-fought like two dueling dandies.

Narihisago helped himself to some popcorn. “I think Sunny Jim is gonna take him out.”

A moment later, Jim kneecapped John with a bright toothed smile.

Asukai and Narihisago grinned sadistically.

_**~ID~** _

Wakashika pawed at the screen. “No way! They got popcorn!”

“No food at Wellside!”

“Oh come on!”

Momoki glared up at him. “The last time it took the staff eight hours to get all the rice crispies from between the metal plates. No!”

He folded his arms. “No fair that they get popcorn and entertainment in the well. And what's with Kaeru being alive?”

“Sunny Jim apparently got distracted before he had the chance to bludgeon her to death.” Habutae leaned on the railing. “By the way, I'm putting down for Jim for the win.”

Shiratake shook his head. “I dunno, John Walker's got some moves.”

“You're on!”

Momoki eyed them. “Are you guys starting a betting ring in my Wellside?”

They shrugged.

“Put me down for Sunny Jim. I trust Narihisago's judgment.”

“ _Uhhh guys? Do you have the murderer?”_

Togo rolled her eyes at the guys digging into their wallets. “Sending you the address, Matsuoka. Sunny Jim, last seen breaking and entering a Force Wheat Flakes factory where he's been squatting. Careful, he's a spirited one!”

“ _Thanks.”_

Wakashika called out, “Matsuoka, did you remember to eat your wheaties today?”

He groaned over the com. _“No, my breakfast was in a glass. A little bit of JW Red.”_

Shiratake grimaced. “Ouch! Well, he's red now … and black and blue!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While looking up mascots, I stumbled upon "Sunny Jim" from the British "Force Flakes" advertising campaign. This is an old obscure one! But it was way too good to pass up given the resemblance!


	8. FILE: 08 Choculated

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 08 CHOCULATED** _

_By Xrross_

_My name is Miyo Hijiriido, the brilliant detective, and that's Kaeru. I must solve the mystery of her murder._

Letting out an inquisitive "hmm", Hijiriido lifted her leg and nudged Kaeru's open neck with her foot. Her shoe came away dripping with blood, stained much like the exquisite carpet that Kaeru was lying on, though given it was also red, it was a little hard to notice. Hijiriido looked up and around her, taking in the gothic, 19th-century European library she'd found herself in. "Damn, now this is a collection..." she mused, gazing at the leather-bound books, suddenly feeling the urge to pick one up. Approaching the nearest shelve, she closed her eyes and stuck her finger out, pulling out the random book and looking at the cover.

**_Corruption of Innocence_ **   
**_John Walker_ **

"Ahh, vhat do ve have heeeeere....?" 

A cold breath hit Hijiriido's neck and flowed down her back, the hairs in its path standing up straight as she jumped, fear kicking in for a split second before gritting her teeth and turning around, lifting her leg in a roundhouse kick at what she could now see was a tall man in a dark cloak. Appearing as little more than a dark shape, the man leapt back at an almost inhuman speed. Caught off guard, Hijiriido planted her foot down immediately, almost losing her balance but just managing to right herself.

"Ahh, another supple young voman. Do you have vhat I vant...?" With a dramatic swosh, the man pulled back his cloak unveiled himself, revealing a comically large face, complete with an elongated chin and nose, and disturbingly high cheekbones. He narrowed his eyes and bared his teeth in a sadistic grin, his tongue rolling over his pronounced fangs. Grimacing, Hijiriido crouched slightly lower.

"You've got ten seconds to tell me what the hell you're doing here, and what you did to Kaeru!" she ordered, holding up her fists in a boxer's stance. The man's sneer grew impossibly larger, his mouth clapping as he cackled slowly and deliberately.

"Ha, ha, ha! I vant... I vant... **I vant to eat your cereal!** " the man shrieked, leaping towards Hijiriido with his claws extended towards her throat.

* * *

"Inspector Momoki, I've got a match!" Habutae called out. "Count Chocula! Hungarian socialite and mascot, spends most of his time in his property in Japan!"

"I'm comparing his teeth to that of the bite marks found on the victims," Togo said, casually analysis ravaged female corpses. "I still want to run a few checks, but it does seem like he's the one who's been eating all these women."

"MMM! MM HEEM HOHUNG HOM NOOW?!" With a series of incomprehensible noises, Wakashiki leaned over the railing and looked over at her with wide eyes and his cheeks bulging, chocolate milk dripping off his chin and onto the floor, the contents of his bowl sloshing dangerously. 

"At least the cereal doesn't factor into the id well this time. Right Habutae?" Shiratake asked, giving himself an amused smile, when Habutae involuntarily reached for his mouth, his face already a light green.

"I... yeah... hopefully I can actually digest my breakfast this time..."

"The manor that he and Hijiriido are in is a match for his Japanese address," he continued, pushing up his glasses as he watched Hijiriido and Count Chocula writhe around on top of Kaeru's body in a tangled heap. "Shall I send the address over to the field analysts?"

"Right away. Include any other properties that he also owns in the nation, as well as any company-owned buildings," Momoki said, giving Shiratake a nod before turning around to look back into the id well. "Togo, extract Hijiriido, there's no need for her to... to... oh my god."

* * *

"Hmm..." Hijiriido hummed, her expression carefully and considered as she slowly chewed, rubbing her chin in thought before swallowing, making a sick face and sticking her tongue out. "Eck! Tastes awful! Why on Earth would he want to eat human flesh of all things?" she asked herself, wiping the blood from her face and stepping over the man's body, blood pouring from the bite in his neck. "Well, now that Kaeru's mystery is solved, maybe I'll do some light reading." Pulling out John Walker's _Corruption of Innocence_ again, Hijiriido sat down, lent against the bookshelf and started reading, kicking her feet childishly.

* * *

The Wellside was quiet, no noise other than the hum of the Mizuhanome, at least until the sounds of someone throwing up filled the silence.

"Wa... Wakashikia, I've told you not to eat in the Wellside. I told you this would happen."

"HO! HITS HOT HE! HAHOHI!"

"Oh... Togo, call the cleaning crew. And tell the medic that Habutae's on his way."

"Ye... Yes, Inspector..."

"Actually... ugh... tell them that we'll all be there..."

"Thank you... MMGH...! Inspector..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't lie; never even seen a Count Chocula box in my life.


	9. FILE: 09 Sweetened

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 09 SWEETENED** _

_By ShadowcrestNightingale_

Sakaido knelt over Kaeru's prone body, sprawled in the middle of a large hexagonal dais. Her white dress dripped with a golden substance. All around him the ever encroaching rings formed a massive dome only reachable by flight. Something brilliant detectives were incapable of doing.

Over his shoulder a shadow fell, “Drowned in honey. Now that is one sweet way to die.”

Sakaido glared over his shoulder up at the looming tower of Anaido. “As though there is ranking system for deaths.”

He grinned, placing a finger to his chin. “Of course there is. Depending on how much one knows what is coming, how much pain they experience before they're snuffed out, how—”

“I don't think Kaeru cares about some arbitrary social media meme. Now give me a bit of space here, if you're not going to help.”

“But I am, brother!” Anaido spread his arms. “Like I said, she drowned in honey. Look down, there's a shitload of it below us.”

With a sigh, Sakaido covered his eyes. “Ok genius, how about _who_ murdered her?”

“Well, what better suspect than a b—”

THUMP! SPLAT!

“A what?” Sakaido opened his eyes to find himself the only figure standing on the dais. “Anaido?”

A buzzing filled his ears. Slowly he turned to face a gigantic, human sized bee in a yellow and black striped turtleneck sweater hovering just above him. A large honey dripping dipper wielded like a mace in his hands.

Sparing a glance down, Sakaido spotted the Anaido shaped spatter in the honey, his form already sunk face first below the sticky substance. Strange circles floated in the thick sludgy pool almost like tan life preservers.

Buzz the bee laughed. “Bee happy! Bee healthy!”

“Uhhh, it's kind of important to be able to breathe to be healthy.”

Buzz's eyebrows knit as he hovered closer, raising the honey mace over his head. “Everything is better with a little dab of honey!”

Turning on his heel, Sakaido vaulted out of the way as the mace came down in a violent crash. His sneaker slipped in the honey, catching on Kaeru's body he nearly toppled off the dais. His hand caught the next higher one, leaving him dangling and struggling to swing his other up.

Buzz flitted about. Judgment in his eyes. “Looks like someone started their day without a healthy breakfast.”

Grunting, he hauled himself up. “Looks like someone is asking for a reality check upside the head!”

The dipper left a splatter of honey as Buzz swiped it over his head and Sakaido narrowly avoided the hit.

He turned and fled, playing hopscotch on the hexagons, racing along the various heights, only to come to the end of the long drop off.

“Heh heh heh. I've got you covered!” Buzz rose up, blocking the way back.

Sakaido's heels hung off the edge, a bit of the comb crumbled and feel into the honey with a final ploop! He swallowed. There was only one way out of this.

“Hey Buzz, you know what physics says about bees?”

He paused, a finger to his mouth. “No, what?”

“Aerodynamically they shouldn't be able to fly!” Aggressively, he lept for the bee, grappling him. Buzz's delicate wings couldn't support them both. Like a screaming pair of rocks they tumbled down in a golden spiral down toward the depths.

_**~ID~** _

“Extract Sakaido before he drowns!” Momoki shouted.

Togo pushed the button. “Did you get that, Matsuoka?”

“ _Is now a good time to let you guys know I'm allergic to bee stings?”_

“Shit! Do we have to send someone else?”

From the cockpit below, Narihisago gasped. _“What the ever-living fuck was that?”_

Lazily Fukuda answered, _“Surprised we didn't get a hive mind in there.”_

“ _Shut up! … gah, why do I residually feel sticky? I don't think I ever want to see honey again.”_

“ _I once had a dream I bathed in honey. Now I know what a bad idea that is. Kinda hard to breathe.”_

There was a brief pause. _“You really are weird. Hey, Momoki, please tell me we're done. In case you missed it that yellow and black asshole stung me in there as we were falling. I don't precisely like getting jabbed in the gut by a barbed stinger the size of my forearm!”_

“ _How about I … ”_

“ _Fukuda—sit back down right now or I'm gonna kneecap you!”_

“ _Geesh, you take a honey mace for a guy and it's not enough for a pass.”_

“ _You tried to kick Kearu over the edge before Sakaido saw her, jackass! That isn't going to earn you a standing ovation.”_

“ _What? I wanted to see what would happen if you never realized you were Sakaido.”_

“ _Not funny.”_

Togo tapped Momoki on the shoulder and whispered, “Are you going to stop them?”

“Mmm I could. There is one way.” He shrugged with a grin. “Inject Sakaido and Anaido.”

In unison they wailed, _“Wait, what?”_ Then silence …

Habutae reported, “Anaido is awake … and running from Buzz.”

A panicked scream filled the speakers. _“Fuck! I'm sorry! I won't do it again!”_

Momoki leaned back, watching as Sakaido awoke to a dive bomb as Anaido tripped over him, sending them tumbling across the hexagonal platforms. “I could watch this all day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More useless facts ...


	10. FILE: 10 Trixed

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 10 Trixed**_

_By Xrross_

_It's... Kaeru. And I am Miyo Hijiriido, the brilliant detective. It's my job to solve Kaeru's death. I don't know how I got here, or where I am, but that's irrelevant to the case. Having said that though..._

"Where the hell am I?"

Looking away from Kaeru's body, Hijiriido ran her gaze over the idyllic, countryside landscape. The sun was high in the spotless sky, and the blades of grass swayed in the slight breeze. Slightly off to the side was a well-worn dirt road, splitting the field into two halves. Judging by the white fences in the distance, she seemed to be in some kind of property, a farm perhaps. Shrugging, Hijiriido looked back at Kaeru's chewed up corpse, her entire front having been sliced open from the neck to the pelvis. Squatting next to the gorey display, Hijiriido held her head in her hands, tilting it curiously.

"Now then... how did you-?"

"Gaaaahh... please... someone... help me....!"

Darting up at the sudden voice, Hijiriido stood up and walked over to the road. There, she found a large, anthropomorphic white rabbit, lying in a pool of blood, one hand on its stomach, the other reaching out to her desperately, its expression desperate and wracked with pain. "Please... come closer... come and help me..." it begged in a surprisingly masculine voice. Hijiriido blinked, unsure of what to make of the image, before yawning.

"Nah, I've got stuff to do. Good luck!" she waved, leaving the shocked rabbit in her dust.

"I... what?! N-No, come closer, please! I need your Tri... I-I mean, help! OOOOOOOO! THE PAIN! IT HURTS!"

"Yep, sure looks like it," Hijiriido said absentmindedly, crouching down next to Kaeru again. "Now, Kaeru... what's up with you?"

"Grrrrr....! You stupid brat!" Her ears perking up at the aggressive tone, Hijiriido turned back again, only to find herself tackled to the ground by a white blur. She hit the ground hard, knocking the air out of her lungs as the rabbit stood over her, his teeth bared in a vicious, furious snarl. "I'll keep doing it... I don't care how many people I have to kill. I know what the man told me. He said I'd finally find my Trix... IN ONE OF YOU!!!!" Extending his arms, the rabbit prepared to throw himself on top of Hijiriido, only for the brilliant detective to suddenly sweep her legs around, knocking him off his feet. Wasting no time, Hijiriido reversed their positions, her hand grabbing a piece of his bloodstained fur.

"Dipshit rabbit! Trix are for kids!"

* * *

"Woooo! That was such a badass line! Alright, Hijiriido, you're getting double just for that!" Wakashikia cheered, tossing several bills into the centre of the Wellside, leaning against the border that Shiratake, Momoki and Togo were also surrounding. Upon hearing Wakashika's shouts, Shiratake snorted, pushing his glasses up his nose.

"Come on, look at what Trix did to Kaeru. He clearly has the advantage here," he said, dropping another bill to add to the pile rapidly building amidst the holographic imagery of Hijiriido wrestling with Trix. "I'll raise you five thousand yen."

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure! We've seen the kind of shit Hijiriido can eat! That bunny has no chance!" Wakashika countered, laughing exuberantly as Hijiriido bit down hard on Trix's ear. 

"OH GOD! Don't... don't talk about eating...! Please, I...! Ple... MMMGH!" Unable to continue, Habutae pushed his head further into the waste bin in the corner, which was so full by this point it would have flooded the room if it were knocked over. Ignoring him, Shiratake rolled his eyes.

"You put far too much faith in her. Hijiriido's ruthless, but that doesn't translate into combat ability."

 _"I can't believe what I'm hearing!"_ Matsuoka's booming voice came crackling over the comm. _"Momoki! Get your men in check, this is completely unprofessional!"_

"He's right, Sir! They're acting completely irrational!" Togo agreed, turning towards Momoki, who crossed his arms.

"You're both completely right. That was completely disgraceful!" he said, giving Shiratake a stern look, who stepped back, slightly fearful until Momoki pulled out his wallet.

"It's ridiculous to suggest that anyone other than Hijiriido would win." With that, Momoki pulled out his credit card and tossed it in with the bills and coins. "I'm going all in," he proclaimed with a smirk as Shiratake and Togo's jaws hit the floor.

"AHAHAHA! Shiratake's buying the drinks tonight!" Wakashikia jeered as Shiratake ground his teeth in frustration, ripping his glasses off his face and throwing them away.

"KICK HER ASS, TRIX!" he screamed, leaning over the border and sticking his head into the holograms, spit flying from his mouth. "MAKE HER SUFFER!"

"HIJIRIIDO, HIJRIIDO! SHE IS NUMBER ONE~!"

"Sir, this is complete-!" Togo tried to say, only to be silenced by Momoki with a single look. Giving her a small grin, he opened his mouth to speak.

"If we win this, I'll let you buy that cat you wanted for your birthday." Before he could even finish his sentence, Togo's wallet smashed through the money tower, bouncing around and coming to a stop in the middle.

"FUCK HIM UP, KOHARU!!! SLICE THOSE BUNNY BALLS!!!"

_"HEY! Momoki! Togo! What's going on!? Is anyone actually listening?!"_

"I... I'm... MMMG!"

_"Ugh... Jesus, Habutae... go see a doctor."_

"Ye... Yes... Sir..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ten chapters and ten thousand words. Wooo! Wonder how far we'll get.


	11. FILE: 11 Quaked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A double inspired one, had to add a little October spooky insanity from one of my favorite authors. ;) ENJOY!

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 11 QUAKED** _

_By ShadowcrestNightingale_   
  


From up in a tree branch, he narrowed his eyes at the body of a girl lying on her back in a clearing, in the distance a quaint countryside spread out with rail fences leading to a red barn. _Her name is Kaeru … and by knowing this I know my name is Sakaido. I don't recall my last name, but that is not important. I have to solve the mystery of her death. Every detail had meaning here._

A raven flitted in the branch beside him, looked him in the eyes and cawed, “Nevermore!”

“Uhhh … ooookaaay? Since when can birds talk?”

Puffing up its feathers, the bird spread its wings and shook, sending a cascade of feathers down. “Nevermore!”

“Not much for conversation, huh? Fine.” Rubbing his chin, he went back to studying Kaeru's corpse. Something about the clearing looked strange. She wasn't lying in dirt. The substance was lighter … tan, and looked … powdery? Well, if it was, it was large particles of something cradling her body. A crimson outline around her frame, probably from the spoon sticking out of her neck.

He had to get closer. “Not getting it done up here.” Gripping the branch he swung to the main trunk and shimmied down.

The raven followed him, winging around cawing furiously, “Nevermore! Nevermore!”

“Go away. That isn't Lenore, birdbrain.” It did nothing to stop the harassment as he batted at it. “Knock it off! Go find a scarecrow or chamber door to perch on, you pest. I have to pay attention to what I'm—”

_Thuck!_

Staring down, he realized his foot sunk into the strange ground. Backpedaling, he pulled it free, sending a cascade of an extremely viscous substance flying.

The raven, if that were at all possible, laughed at him. Then again, it was talking, so maybe it was. “Nevermore!”

Sakaido scowled at it. “Feathery bastard, stop distracting me! I have a job to do.” He bent down, picking up the strange wad. It was grainy. Looking closer, it **was** grain. Oats to be precise.

 _Hot! Ooowww!_ He threw it as it stung his fingers. Sucking on them to quell the burn, he narrowed his eyes. “Ok, so … quicksand made of quick oats. Huh, that's normal. How am I gonna get to her without sinking? Maybe if I go fast enough … will it act like a Newtonian fluid?”

Backing up, he took a running start full bore dashing past the safe dirt ground. His shoes slapped the top of the oat pit. He didn't sink in. Each strike momentarily created a hard surface launching him to the next stride before it softened.

“It's working!”

He stooped down, still dashing, and scooped Kaeru up. Her body dripped a substance like strawberry syrup as he continued on his way.

“Caw caw! Nevermore!” The raven darted into his path, startling him backward.

The forward momentum lost, the oats grabbed Sakaido's shoes. “Ack! What the hell did you do that for?”

Laughter rang out in the clearing. That wasn't the raven! Still gripping Kaeru while slowly sinking into the quick oats, wincing as the heat built, Sakaido gazed over his shoulder.

A robust man stood on the bank holding a sack of oats and a scroll marked PURE. He wore a black wide brimmed hat, a long colonial style coat and breaches with buckle shoes, and starched white button shirt with a cravat. “Nothing is better for thee, than me.”

“What the hell are you doing?”

He opened the bag of oats and poured it into the pit, picking up a large wooden spoon he stirred it in. “Fortifying you!” With his foot he dumped a large vat of milk. “Hahaha!”

The raven winged overhead, “Nevermore!”

Sakaido scowled at the bird. “Shut it, Captain Obvious!”

_**~ID~** _

“That was is in Poe taste.”

Momoki fwapped his forehead. “Really Wakashika?”

“Actually,” Togo held up the screen, “he wasn't completely responsible for that. We had a thought thread from Sakaido. By the way, can I pull him yet?”

“Habutae, do we have a facial recognition yet?”

From a hospital bed on the upper level, a pale Habutae lethargically moved a screen. He was hooked up to a number of machines, including a feeding tube, under treatment from perpetual vomiting episodes. Bile and acid burns made it harder to understand his speech. “Yeah … we got him. Can I go back to sleep yet?”

“Hey, good news is you got nothing in you to puke up!” Wakashika remarked. “And when you feel better we'll make you a nice bowl of oatmeal.”

He dry heaved, eyes rolling back.

Momoki grabbed the identification. “One Larry the Quaker Man … impersonation too, the guy doesn't belong to them at all. So it looks like we can get him on several counts.”

“Director, sir … can I—” Togo got cut off.

Momoki pounded his fist in his hand, “Alright, let's issue that warrant for his arrest.”

Growing more alarmed, Togo shouted, “Momoki! Sakaido is drowning in broiling hot oats!”

“Oh crap! I forgot about that! Extract him!”

A gasp carried over the speaker.

Wakashika sniggered, “An unbalanced breakfast—Sakaido oatmeal.”

“You alright Narihisago?”

A series of thuds echoed, a fist pounding angrily on the chamber door. _“Let me up there! I'm going to boil you for that! Did you really have to leave me in there to be cooked alive!”_

“Eh heh … Togo, call the medic. Someone needs a nap. NOW!”


	12. FILE: 12 Branded

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 12 BRANDED**_

_By Xrross_  
  


Anaido opened his eyes to the sound of chains rustling, people whispering and, somewhere behind him, a woman crying. Sitting up slightly straighter, he looked around with a disinterested gaze, finding himself sitting in a ridiculous caricature of a medieval dungeon, surrounded by a crowd of people who looked decidedly out of place (though not as much as Anaido himself obviously) with their modern clothing. After counting all thirty-eight people around him, he raised his head higher, noticing a stairway tucked away in a corner, being guarded by John Walker, who stood rigid and motionless, aside from the glitches swarming over his face.

_Ugh... what pissed-up capitalist propaganda am I dealing with today? I miss the pretentious sniper guy._

"P-Please!" came a young masculine voice. Turning around, Anaido saw a young man stand up, holding a body with an oddly shaped burn mark in the shape of a scooper in his hands. "This girl just collapsed, she needs help!" John Walker ignored his cries, as did Anaido, who was focused squarely on the body in his arms.

_That's Kaeru, and I am Anaido. I don't know my full name but I-_

"-am the brilliant detective, I know I know!" he muttered to himself, rubbing his head in frustration as the redundant info echoed in his head. "Jeez, can whatever asshole mascot of the week it is come in and kill me already?"

As if on que, there was the sound of heavy doors slamming open, accompanied by sudden beams of light beaming from behind John Walker, who stood aside to led was seemed to be a walking sun with a massive smiling face walk down, almost blinding to look at. Gazing upon the rows of terrified people, the sun grinned impishly. "Helloooo there, my guests! I do hope you enjoy your permanent and involuntary employment here in my manor!" This caught Anaido's attention (as if the literal sun's entrance hadn't already), and he stood up, pulling everyone's attention towards him.

"Wait, sooooo, are we slaves then, uh... 'Sunny'?" he asked, shrugging. The sun's smile got even wider.

"Yes indeed my friend, and I must say, I am very pleased that you took the time to know my name beforehand!"

Wait, that's his actual name?!

"And for your zealously, I shall reward you! You shall be the first to be branded, and shall act as my head of staff!" Sunny declared, holding out his arms with an open mouth smile.

"Yeah no," Anaido rejected, looking up at the ceiling. "Hey guys, you found the guy, right? Take me out?"

"....."

"Guys?"

".... uh... please?"

"My my, a comedian too, I can tell you'll be most amusing, ahahaha!" Sunny chortled, approaching Anaido with his hand outstretched, a scooper shaped mark on his hand. The crowd, terrified, shuffled away with gasps and cries, except for Anaido, who, after a sigh of disappointment, began walking forwards as well.

_What are those Wellside dicks even doing? Well, here's hoping his hand's hot enough to cook my brain._

* * *

"Habutae... I know you're... stressed..." Kokufu said, holding up his arms in peace as he stood in the doorway to the Wellside, several Kura security guards behind him with their handguns drawn. "But you need to calm down and come with us," he continued, trying to keep his tone level as he slid his foot forward. Immediately, from across the room, Habutae, who had had his stolen handgun pressed firmly against Momoki's head, pointed it squarely at Kokufu, who jumped in response, the guards behind him bristling.

"No... nononononono... I can't... I can't fucking do this anymore!" Habutae ranted, his eyes bouncing about the room manically, from Kokufu and the guards to Wakashika and Togo, who were pressed up under the stairs. "I'm so hungry... I'm so fucking hungry but every time I think of eating something I... I..." Habutae's face spasmed out for a moment as he suppressed his dry heaves, his expression turning furious and pointing the gun up towards the upper level. "SHUT UP!" he screamed at Shiratake, who was presently hanging unconscious over the railing after Habutae had left his hospital bed and stolen his handgun. Satisfied that Shiratake wasn't going to interrupt him, he pointed the gun back at Kokufu and his guards. "Now... Now you guys just take a few steps back and-"

_"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"_

Habutae jumped as Anaido's pained, raspy screams started up, his previously firm grip on Momoki's neck slipping. Taking advantage of this, Momoki yanked himself free and threw himself at the man, dragging him to the floor and trying to pin him down. "Hurry! Restrain him!"

"NOOOOOO! You won't starve me anymore!" Shouting manically, Habutae held on to his gun and started mashing the trigger, firing it into the air randomly as he tried to aim at Momoki.

"Funetaro!" In an instant, Togo jumped out from under the stairs and trapped Habutae's arm, trying to wrestle the gun from his grasp.

"Ge-Get him!" Kokufu ordered, the guards rushing forward and joining the fray, guns blazing. As the Wellside descended into chaos, Wakashika shuffled away from the stairs towards the door where Kokufu stood, who was sweating buckets as he watched the mayhem, only noticing Wakashika huddled next to him when he spoke up.

"Umm... I know this is a bad time," he whispered. "But... I didn't have breakfast. Do you think I can sneak out to the cafeteria? I'm feeling bran flakes." Kokufu looked down at Wakashika, then back at Habutae, Momoki, Togo and the guards embroiled in an epic battle set to Anaido's bloodcurdling shrieks, before sighing, spinning around and walking off. 

"I want extra sugar in mine..."


	13. FILE: 13 Craved

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 13 Craved** _

_By ShadowcrestNightingale_

Hijiriido stole a peek over her shoulder. Something was watching her. Oh yes, she had no doubt. However she didn't want to let whatever it was know she was aware. So, she leaned over Kaeru cupping her forehead and pretending to mince over the details.

Bite marks. Many bite marks from something with a large mouth had taken pieces of her flesh in an almost horseshoe shaped. This was quite disturbing. She had an eerie feeling whatever had done this was watching her from the over sized kitchen cabinet she was perched in.

There it was again. A barely glimpsed shock of tannish hair. A whisper carried. She couldn't quite catch the word. That was it. One word. Only one, repeated again and again.

The longer she dallied, the closer this thing came.

Just off to her left, it was close enough she could hear it breathing.

“Honeycomb.” There is was, breathing in her ear.

She braced herself, keeping a marble rolling pin hidden in her cloak. _Keep it coming, odd ball._

“Me … want … **Honeycomb!** ” There it was! The slobber proceeded it as it popped up.

With a vicious swing of the rolling pin, Hijiriido connected with the snout of the beast sending it flying against an over sized box of cereal tipping it over and making a 'cereal fall' off the shelf-cliff. Rubbing off the slobber, she smirked wielding the pin.

The creature shook its head … no. The creature was a head. A gigantic ball of fur with eyeballs and a snout with fangy teeth. It had arms sticking out the side and legs with tennis shoes beneath. And that was one deranged look. “Honeycomb!”

“Yeah.” She whipped a warm up swing. “I got yer Honeycomb right here. Come on up and get it!”

Crazed beyond reason, the slobbering creature leapt toward her, jaws wide.

The marble rolling pin connected cracking the teeth and leaving some of them behind as the creature changed directions, screaming all the way. It collided with a man in a top hat, sending them both over the cereal falls.

Wandering to the shelf-cliff the wind grabbed her clothing, whipping it around. She had just enough time to stumble backward as the man threw the furball into her face. It collided and chomped down on her. Instantly, Hijiriido was consumed by a terrible hunger. Curling into a ball she lost her humanity and transformed into a hairy creature, howling, “Me want **Honeycomb!** ”

_**~ID~** _

Togo scratched her head. “Did our brilliant detective just get hijacked?”

Momoki rubbed his temples. “Yes. And I saw John Walker lurking in there. Shit, come on, Habutae can you give us a location on that creature?”

He folded his arms. “Try the pound, or your neighborhood mad scientist lab. I have no idea what the fuck that was!”

“Cravin'.”

Everyone looked at Wakashika as he put his spoon down in a bowl of Honeycomb cereal.

In the silence he explained. “He's a Cravin'. A creature driven by insatiable hunger for these little things. They will do absolutely anything to get to them.”

Footsteps carried up the staircase.

The Wellside staff stared wide eyed as a disheveled Hondomachi stood hunched forward, clawed hands in the air. Savagery in her eyes.

Momoki took a step backward. “Uhhh, Hondomachi, you ok?”

Wakashika lost a good deal of color in his complexion as he lowered the bowl and handed it off to Habutae.

“Me … ”

“Oh.”

“Want … ”

“Fuck.”

“Honeycomb!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the Cravin' was a real mascot for Honeycomb cereal. And where it appeared it transformed children into more of itself into a wave of super hungry obsessed monsters. Nightmare time!


	14. FILE: 14 Quikening

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 14 Quikening** _

_By Xrross_

"HHHHNNNNGGG....! Shit, dammit!" Swearing, Sakaido was forced to pull back before he fell into the bubbling, multicoloured river, falling onto his backside and watching helplessly as Kaeru's fizzing body washed down the stream and further away. 

"Come on! You could have totally got her!"

With a scrunched up face, Sakaido got to his feet and glared down at Hijiriido. "Oh, thanks for helping out by the way." In response, the girl just shrugged, crossed her arms and looked away.

"I'm not the one with long arms, buddy..."

"Yeah, yeah..."

"Whatever, let's just focus on finding out what killed her," Hijiriido said, turning away from Kaeru's melting corpse without a second thought, Sakaido following suit with a regretful look, the sand beneath their feet shuffling and shifting around. Actually, on closer inspection, the 'sand' was actually a powder, a swirling mix of yellow, pink and brown, matching the general scheme of the river, which flowed down from a giant volcano about a kilometre away. "Well, given that there's nothing else to investigate, should we head towards the volcano?" Hijiriido asked, looking at Sakaido only to find him on his belly with his arms buried up to the shoulder in the powder.

"Hold on...! Just wanna see if... there's something... huh, this doesn't taste that bad."

Letting out a sigh, Hijiriido spun on her heel and began walking towards the volcano. "Alright, I'm gonna check the more exciting-" Almost on cue, the volcano suddenly erupted, pink, yellow and brown gases flying into the previously-clear sky as gallons of liquid spilt forth, containing giant, brown boulders. The force of the eruption sent shockwaves throughout the land, the powder being tossed into the air and forming a thin cloud. Squinting her eyes, Hijiriido quickly shoved her lower face under the rim of her poncho leaving Sakaido quite literally in the dust as he pulled himself up, choking as he wiped the substance from his eyes.

"ACK! My eyes! What brought that about?! That came out of no-" 

"NEEEEEESQUIK....!"

With a booming, almost defining warcry, a shape suddenly shot out of the volcano before suddenly growing rapidly in size, revealing itself to be an anthropomorphic brown bunny. It continued to grow in size at a ridiculous pace, and by the time it fell on its feet, it was well over fifty meters tall. It's tongue snaking around its two buck teeth, the bunny reached over, the shadow drowning Sakaido and Hijiriido as its hand scraped at the river, pulling up Kaeru's now-unrecognisable body. Opening its mouth wide, the bunny dumped Kaeru into its mouth, chewing gleefully.

"MMMMMM! Human! Delicious from the first bite to the bottom of the bowl!"

Sakaido coughed out a yellow puff of powder, looking up at the bunny with wide eyes. "Well, I don't think we need to solve Kaeru's murder any more!" With that, he and Hijiriido took off running as the bunny turned its attention towards him, laughing loudly as he reached over at the duo.

"Hopefully there's another brilliant detective to solve our deaths, huh, Mr. Sakaido?!"

"One can hope!"

* * *

"Oh, Quicky, how far you've fallen..." Wakashika lamented, shaking his head as he munched on a bowl of Nesquik cereal, chocolate milk dripping sadly from his chin. Across the upper ring from him, Shiratake stood, rubbing his eyes from weariness.

"I know that we see some odd things in this job, but is anyone questioning why John Walker has suddenly turned his attention to cereal mascots of all things? Who I guess are just real now?"

Wakashika turned and gave the other man a thumbs up, milk and bits of cereal flying from his mouth as he spoke. "Don't think too hard, bro! Let's just bring this cannibalising buddy bastard to justice!"

"Wakashikia, I've told you to stop bringing food in here!" Momoki yelled, before sighing in defeat and turning to Togo. "Well, we have our perp. Extract them. Now we can focus on finding Habutae, where ever he's gone." Closing his eyes, Momoki crossed his arms in contemplation. "I get he's had a stressful few months, but it's not like him to just disappear? Is it?"

"Um. Sir," Togo said, pointing at the display, her face pale. Momoki followed her line of sight, his mouth dropping in shock.

"Oh... well... shit."

* * *

Sakaido and Hijiriido watched, their jaws on the floor as a giant, raven-haired man in a business suit appeared out of nowhere and tackled the bunny to the ground. The two behemoths went flying, eventually landing several miles away, sending low-level earthquakes in all directions as they engaged in a ruthless fight to the death, the man screaming in fury as he stuck his fingers in the bunny's eyes.

"Is... he the brilliant detective here to solve our deaths?"

"Well... I certainly feel like I must be dead."

"Good, so it's not just me..."

* * *

"GAAAAAAAHH!! FUCK YOU BUNNY BITCH!!!" Habutae shrieked, finally dropping Quicky's lifeless corpse to the floor of the abandoned warehouse they were in. Wiping his bloody hands on his suit, he took a moment to recover his breath, wincing blood seeped from the cut in his forehead. Shaking his head, Habutae dug around in his pocket and pulled out a small, plastic vile full with a murky liquid. Pressing the metal top, a needle popped out from the bottom, and Habutae, without flinching, shoved it into his arm, gritting his teeth as raw vitamins were pumped into his system. Dropping the vile, Habutae began shaking, the adrenaline rushing over him as he looked up to the ceiling, screaming with enough hatred to make the Devil blush. 

"JOHN WALKEEEEEEERR!! I'LL NEVER EAT AGAIN BECAUSE OF YOU!! I'M COMING FOR YOU, YOU SICK PRODUCT PLACEMENT!! AND YOU'LL KNOW... YOU'LL KNOW MY SUFFERING WHEN I SEW THAT STUPID MOUTH OF YOURS SHUT!! SEE HOW YOU LIKE NEVER EATING ANYTHING AGAIN!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!"


	15. FILE: 15 Crunched

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 15 CRUNCHED** _

_By ShadowcrestNightingale_

Hijiriido swayed on the deck of the ship, rocking with the milk tide. Overhead the sail wrapped bundle swung head down suspended from the rope. Oh yes she knew that victim.

“Kaeru. And by knowing her name I know my own. Miyo Hijiriido. I am here to solve the mystery of her death.”

Droplets of blood splattered the deck. She knelt down, this wasn't wood. It was something else altogether. It crackled when she struck it with her heel. Picking up a small shiver of it she sniffed it.

“Corn? Like some sort of sweetened corn something. Who would make their ship out of this?”

The repetitious strike against the decking turned her toward the stern. Behind the wheel a bright eyed man stood in a blue captain's coat with a bicorne hat marked with a C. He sported a snow white mustache. Brandishing his sword to the stormy heavens, he laughed. “My ship stays crunchy, even in milk! Oh hoho, I see that we have a visitor, my sweet.” He locked eyes on Hijiriido. “I see you long to be crunchitized!”

“Crunchi-what-the-fuck? Uhhh no thanks.”

Blood crusted his sword, more evident as he stalked her across the deck. She stepped backward, toward the bow, for no other reason than she had nothing to fight with. Her eyes searched for something; a blade, a ship's pin, even a knotted rope. Before she knew it her back pressed against the railing.

Below the roiling ocean of milk frothed awaiting her death. The figurehead … was it her imagination or did the old man's face turn up and greet her with a mischievous smile beneath his mustache. He held a cane in his hands.

The figurehead shouldn't be able to hurt her … but the man with the cutlass could. He closed the distance, laughing, “I am Cap'n Horatio Crunch. And you are on my vessel, the Jolly Milk Toast!”

“Feh. Nothing jolly about this piece of shit.”

He flinched as if being lashed. “What did you call my ship?”

She grinned. “A piece of shit! Because it is one.”

“How dare you!” He screamed and ran for her, swinging the cutlass in a wild rampage.

With a neat sidestep Hijiriido grabbed the blade from his hand and smiled wickedly. “Ever heard of the legend of Blackbeard?”

“Who?”

“When the royal navy caught him they decapitated him and his corpse swam around the ship three times. I wonder … ” there was a strange gleam in her eyes, “how many times can you do it?”

Cap'n Crunch stepped backward.

_**~ID~** _

_Crunch munch crunch crunch._ “Hrm, you know, he is actually right. It does stay crunchy in milk. Not half bad.”

“Wakashika,” Momoki rolled his eyes up to the platform, “that's not the data you're supposed to be collecting.”

A scream rent the air over the speakers followed by a solid _THUCK!_ akin to the sound of a meat cleaver. _SPLASH!_

“ _Swim you headless motherfucker!”_

“Oooook,” Clearing his throat Momoki hit the key. “Matsuoka, you there?”

“ _Yeah. What you got?”_

“Dockyards. Looking for a vessel called the Jolly Milk Toast, Cap'n Horatio Crunch. Armed and dangerous.”

“ _Really? A captain? Who pissed in his Cheerios?”_

“You know who.” Momoki replied grimly. “John Walker.”

“You see, **that** was his problem.” Wakashika declared. “His cereal stays crispy in milk, **not** whiskey. All he had to do—”

CRASH! Thud.

Wakashika dropped like a rock, shattered glass from the bottle of whiskey caught in his hair. Over him stood Habutae, huffing each breath, needle marks in his arm from injections to keep himself going, acid scars around his mouth. “Nobody cares!”

“Matsuoka, gotta go.” Momoki switched lines. “Security and a medic to the Wellside. STAT please.”

“ _Again? What is it this time?”_

Togo tapped his shoulder. “Sir, should I eject Hijiriido? She's trying to use part of the mast to sink Crunch's body.”

He facepalmed. “Will we ever have a normal dive again?”


	16. FILE: 16 Weetified

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE: 16 Weetified**_

_By Xrross_

"Hellloooooo....?" Whistling to himself, Anaido traipsed down the dimly lit, grey hallway, his blue silhouette forcing him to stick out like a rusty nail. Like a puppet with their strings cut, or perhaps a drunken ballerina, he swayed from side-to-side, his limbs and body swaying in what could almost be considered a dance, partially out of sheer bordom, and partially to distract himself from counting. 

_Uuuugggghhhhh... how long's it beeeeeeen....? Why do they keep putting me in here by myself...?_

His footsteps echoing loudly against the metal floor, Anaido continued his abstract choreography until he finally noticed a break in the monotony: a horribly out-of-place wooden door. Relieved at the possibility of something happening, Anaido wasted no time throwing himself at the door and opening in, practically falling into the room, which, as it turned out, was far more aesthetically in line with the corridor than the door was. It was far more detailed however, Anaido nearly tripping over the tangle of wires on the floor, which spread out into the rest of the room, creeping up the walls and even hanging from the ceiling. The room appeared small, but it was hard to tell, as the only light source was a single spotlight hanging from the ceiling, focused squarely on an operating table with two people on and in front of it. One was an old man wearing a lab coat. His back was to Anaido, but judging by his scraggly white hairs and the voice that kept muttering nonsensical whispers, the man was definitely elderly. His form was blocking most of the person on the table, but he wasn't quite broad enough to cover her face, which hung of the end, staring at the wall behind her with a vacant expression, her long, raven hair pooling on the floor underneath.

_It's Kaeru, and I am Anaido, the brilliant detective. I must solve the mystery of her death._

"No shit..."

"Yes... yes at last..." the Old Man's voice suddenly grew louder, a mad giggle in his voice as he held up a bloody hand to the light. Gently resting in his palm was a bright, bloody liver, freshly ripped from Kaeru's body. "This will give me the edge I need... the new secret ingredient...! Aaahahahah!!" As his laughter wound down, the man turned towards Anaido, confirming his age as he stared at the brilliant detective with mad eyes behind spectacles made of what seemed to be... weetos? "But first... a taste tester."

"Uh, how about no?" Anaido said, smiling grimly as the man took a step forward. "I've already had my fair share of mascots force-feeding me crap..."

* * *

"I know this one..." Habutae whispered ominously, his pupils the size of pinpricks as he boreholes into the digital image. "Professor Weeto. Creator and developer of Weetos... killed and experimented on twenty people... he's one of _John's_ puppets...!"

"You gotta admire the dedication to his brand. Weetos in the eye? That's gotta hurt!" Wakashikia commented, holding up a weeto to his eye and inspecting it.

"Shiratake, got a location?"

"Yes, Director. The map of the hallway matches Weeto's mansion, just without any dec-"

"PERFECT!" Interrupting Shiratake, Habutae ripped off his tie and pulled out his gun, cocking it and storming down the stairs. "I'm gonna off that _fucker_..."

"Habutae, don't even think about going there, leave this to the field analysts!" Togo said, taking a step towards Habutae, only for him to suddenly turn around and dead-eye her. Without breaking eye contact, he reached into his pocket, pulling out one of his many vitamin files, and stabbing it into his neck. Grimacing, Togo fell back into Momoki, watching with horror as Habutae began spasming, his legs trembling with adrenaline as he turned and began limping towards the door. Trying not to draw attention to himself, Momoki pulled out his phone and slyly dialled a number.

"Matsuoka, you better start moving. Oh, and make sure you bring Hondomachi with you. And Hatakeyama. And Kitowo. And the Special Unit. And the military. And the-"

* * *

"Hmmmm, chewy, but you know, it's not that bad," Anaido mused, sitting on the Professor's unconscious body as he munched on Kaeru's liver. "No wonder Hijiriido is into this stuff. I'll have to swap recipes with Hondomachi when I get out..."


	17. FILE: 17 Booed

_ **ID: Invaded** _

_ **The Cereal Killer Files** _

_ **FILE 17: BOOOED** _

_By ShadowcrestNightingale_

Sakaido stared at Kaeru, the patter of words had already run its typical course through his head, but this case was strange. The girl hung shrouded in the shadows of a closet. There was no doubt she'd been murdered. But someone had gone to great lengths to hide her and make her look … undead?

The idea perplexed him. “Kaeru, were you killed by accident? Is that it? Why else for all this … ?” She hung in the closet of an immense drafty castle, her arms inside a fur coat as if to keep her warm.

A considerate killer? That seemed bizarre to say the least.

Bizarre? He laughed in spite of himself. Bizarre was waking up in the middle of these ruins and finding it appearing like someone lived here!

Something moved out in the corridor. Sakaido slunk back into the shadows holding his breath. He saw nothing for several minutes. Still there was no shaking the feeling—he had company. Eyeing Kaeru he smirked and whispered, “I don't think we're alone now.”

Creeping toward the door he edged into the corridor. Out of the corner of his eye he caught it, a strange blue glow behind the curtain. Seizing the ax from the suit of armor he gripped the handle hoping it was just the moonlight.

_I'm imagining shit. This is just the nature of this place messing with me._

Taking a deep breath he gripped the curtain's edge and tore it back.

The figure screamed and covered its face.

Sakaido blinked, nearly dropping the ax, the head struck the floor and sparked against the stones. He stared at a hat on the head of … a man? Yes, it seemed like a man, floating about a foot beneath him.

 _Wait, floating? What the …_ He took a step back trying to get a better look.

The man hiding behind his hands had blue toned skin and no legs.

“You're a … ”

“ … a ghost.” His voice wobbled, effected by a strange accent as though someone with marbles in their mouth. He peered between his splayed fingers.

“Ehh, okaaaay … so, do you know what happened to her?” Sakaido pointed into the closet.

Keeping his face shielded he nodded. “I didn't mean to do it. I'm a friendly ghost. I'm telling you, Boo Berry didn't mean any harm. She was so nice and I was so lonely. I just wanted to have a friendly chat. I don't know what happened. I blacked out. When I woke up the nice lady was dead.”

Sakaido crouched down to get eye level. The poor guy _seemed_ earnest enough. “Boo Berry huh?”

He nodded meekly.

_**~ID~** _

Wakashika popped a marshmallow from his bowl into his mouth. “This is a weird one. We have a murder, but no murderer?”

Shiratake cocked his head. “Sakaido isn't alone in there.”

“What, you suspect Mr. Blue-clue there? Sorry but that's a floating marshmallow. There's no way he did it. Maybe another victim? Or perhaps we're seeing John Walker's well? I mean, look down between the floor stones and you can see the cellar. I could see a guy like him in a castle.”

Adjusting his glasses, Shiratake examined a few screen captures. “ To state the obvious, I think you're half right. It is a victim's well. This is another one of John Walker's protegees. Look—there's a reflection of him in the armor.”

Leaning in close, Wakashika nearly dropped his bowl. “Well, I'll be damned. Momoki—check it out. That's the clearest we've seen. Man, it's a shame Habutae isn't here to see this. When did you say they were going to release him?”

Momoki raised an eyebrow to Togo who cleared her throat. “He'll be there for a while until they can get his disposition sorted out. And you better enjoy snacktime at the Wellside for now—once he does the rule will be strict. No food in the chamber.”

“Awww! Come on, all because of weak gut? No fair!”

“Seriously Waka—”

A scream rent the air.

“Holy shit! Did you see that?” Wakashika's bowl shattered on the floor.

All eyes stared at the screen.

Momoki hit the com button, “Put out a warrant on Boo Berry!”

**~ID~**

Sakaido's lungs stung as he ran for it. So much for Mr. Nice Ghost! They'd just been talking, sharing a tea break, when out of the blue Boo Berry morphed into a massive poltergeist the moment Sakaido had touched the bowl in the center of the table.

“Don't touch my boooooowwwwwl!” The voice boomed throughout the castle, shaking the stones.

 _Talk about a Jekyl and Hyde!_ Everything crashed as he flipped the table and Sakaido released a rather undignified scream. A stitch nailed his side as he attempted to evade the savage strikes of the pissed off poltergeist.

“Now you will die!”

“No thanks!” Sakaido vaulted up the stairs of the tower. “I really think I may have overstayed my welcome.”

“Oh,” Boo Berry cracked his knuckles, “you ain't leaving this place now! I'm going to eat your soul!”

“Does that go good with milk? I'm pretty sure it would get all soggy.”

Boo Berry averted his gaze to ponder this.

Sakaido took full advantage of it and swung the ax into the middle of the spectral mass. The weapon slipped right though the specter.

“Ohhh shhhhh—iiiiiit!”

“Fleshy-man.” Boo Berry raised an eyebrow along with his lip. “That was a mistake.”

“Heh,” backed against the wall, he swallowed. The rules of this game had changed in a rather unfair fashion if his opponent could chose when to be solid. “I kind of picked up on that.” No place to go he crouched down, wondering just how hard a poltergeist's fist could impact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing like a split personality poltergeist to get the blood pump--err flowing. Poor Sakaido! They forgot to pull his ass again!


	18. FILE: 18 Supplemented

"If I remember the... HNG!!... the adverts... we're just... a... FEW!!... more scoops from the jackpot!" Anaido grunted, shovelling piles of dirt out of the way, Hijiriido letting out a displeased noise as some of it hit her in the face. By this point, the two had dug so far underneath the castle that light was barely reaching them, especially after Anaido had them make a hard left turn.

"ACK! Hey, watch where you're tossing all that! I think some went in my mouth."

"Don't sweat it. You get used to the taste eventually."

Hearing this, Hijiriido shuddered, the thought of ingesting all that dirt stomach-turning, before she realised something that Anaido had said. Frowning, she stopped shovelling and looked up to where she thought his face was. "Wait, you remember an advert? I thought you didn't remember anything, other than your name and that you're a brilliant detective?"

Anaido stopped shovelling, and Hijiriido could just about make out his silhouette moving from side to side, before he let out a deep, regretful sigh. "Ugh, dammit. Me and my big mouth. I'd hoped to keep the charade up for a few more minutes. You're just too fun to mess with, Hondomachi."

Hijiriido flinched, her eyes widening as she felt a space opening in her head. As the air rushed through the newly created hole, she sighed, shaking her head as she picked up her shovel again. "Anaido! I'm always telling you to remind me who I am when we dive in!"

"Ahahahaha! Sorry, Little Miss. Admit though, you enjoy the roleplay," Fukuda teased, grinning to himself as he pushed his shovel in further.

"It's not roleplaying if I DO'N'T EVEN KNOW IT! UAAAAHHH!!" With a great cry, Hondomachi shoved her shovel forward with all her weight behind it. To both of their surprise, there was a loud 'chink!' sound, and the first beams of light broke through, letting the two brilliant detectives see more than each other's outlines for the first time in an hour. Glancing at each other, the two proceeded to immediately throw themselves at what remained at the dirt wall, dirt flying everywhere as they shovelled like mad, scraping past dirt, then loosely packed stone as more and more light poured in. After about a minute of frantic scooping, they burst into the room, falling into a small pile of dirt, wood and stones.

"Ahahahaha! AHAHAHAHA!!"

Ignoring Fukuda's cackles, Hondomachi shakily got to her feet, looking at the man's face, which was more dirt than skin at this point. Dreading to imagine what her own face looked like, she instead turned towards the rest of the room now that the dust was settling.

"After all that, we better find something in here that... oh. God."

"Aaaaahahaaaa... what... what's... oh." Getting to his feet, Fukuda joined Hondomachi in gazing open-eyed at the rows and rows of human bodies lining the walls. Naked, folded over and preserved in some kind of glaze, there must have been many dozens of them. "Huh, I swear this never happened in the ads."

"You've... mentioned them before. Just exactly what kind of-?"

Before Hondomachi could finish the question, the large, wooden door on the opposite end suddenly burst open, revealing a diminutive man with a rich brown moustache and regal attire. Bizarrely, he was brandishing not a sceptre as one would expect, but a familer gentleman's cane, though belonging to one clearly much taller than he was. Upon seeing the two brilliant detectives standing there, his face turned red and he bared his teeth.

"Damn that Sir Laffitup! I told him to make sure nobody got it! Now my snacks are compromised! Infected!" Spinning John Walker's cane above his head, the King pointed the end towards Fukuda and Hondomachi. "By Royal Decree, I hereby order your execution!" he screamed as he started sprinting towards them.

"Shit, this must be the id well's owner! Come on, Anaido!" Hondomachi yelled, charging forward into battle, completely ignoring Fukuda, who just stood there counting the bodies.

* * *

"Togo, identification!"

"King Vitamin I. Mascot for the brand of the same name. Over fifty employees have gone missing in the past year. I suppose this explains where they went."

"The basement is a match for the one in his private manor, sending it out to Kitowo," Shiratake reported.

"You know, I'm started to understand why Habuate's gone so off the edge," Wakashika wondered, examining one of Habutae's vitamin files. "I feel like I can't eat anything nowadays!"

"You say that, but you keep bringing cereal into the room..." Shiratake sighed, watching with mild amusement as Hijiriido wrestled with King Vitamin. Hearing the two of them, Momoki closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Habutae... he hasn't been seen since he escaped the rehabilitation centre last week. We know he's tracking down John Walker too... where the hell could he be?"

"I mean personally, he can take all the time he wants. Means I can eat all the cereal I want without anyone going all 'Rambo' on us!" With a chipper grin, Wakashikia reached down and picked up his bowl of King Vitamin cereal.

"Yeah... there it is..." Groaning, Shiratake popped in his earphones, growing out Momoki's predictable shouting with the smooth tones of jazz, humming the tune to himself and bobbing his head slightly as he watched Hijiriido laugh over King Vitamin's twitching corpse, holing John Walker's broken cane in her hand like a spoil of war.

* * *

"Aahaha! In your face!" Throwing the broken pieces on King Vitamin's body, Hondomachi let out a contented sigh. Sensing drop in energy, Fukuda slithered over, resting his arm on her head as she looked up at him. "So. Uh. Now what?"

"Wanna sample the 'royal snacks'?"

"Anaido! ... not in front of everyone..."

"Next time then~?"

"Eheehee~..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of the new year! Wooo!


End file.
